Prince Un-charming: Dealing with domestic violence in our town...

In light of the recent holidays, I thought I’d write a little something about domestic violence. Please forgive the correlation between the holidays and domestic discontent, but to Law Enforcement Officers the two seem to go hand in hand. Leading into the holiday seasons, calls for service regarding custody disputes, arguments, out of control family members, suicidal persons, restraining order violations and domestic violence seem to rise exponentially.

This article specifically adresses the perpetrator of physical violence. It should be noted that while women sometimes engage in domestic violence, men are statistically the violators in domestic violence cases. It is with this knowledge that I will approach the topic.

There is one thing that most of the general public correctly understands about law enforcement, and that is that domestic violence calls are some of the most dangerous calls for service we face. Domestic violence has a devastating effect on not only the husbands and wives / boyfriends and girlfriends but also the children that are victims of the stress and emotional damage caused by watching mommy and daddy fighting. Sadly, these are often our reporting parties. Worse yet, these young children statistically become the perpetrators and victims of domestic violence later in life. Monkey see, monkey do.

I’ve spoken with many victims of domestic violence who have never heard of the “Cycle of domestic violence”. This is a general definition of the actions of both parties in a violent relationship. It’s always interesting to watch their faces as they realize that they are neither alone, nor is their situation unique. The following is a chart which depicts the cycle of violence.

As you can see, denial is at the heart of the matter. Both on the part of the suspect and the victim. Breaking through the denial is the first step in breaking the cycle of violence. Domestic violence affects every strata of our society. Teens, adults, and even the elderly are both the perpetrators and victims of domestic violence. Many adults will recognize this pattern in relationships that they have been or are currently in.

I take the opportunity occasionally to talk with groups of teens, teaching them about dating safety, self-defense, etc. It’s to this group that I share the following:

Dating is a time to learn about others, develop mutual respect and to become friends. Dating also can inspire some very powerful emotions. If both parties are not old enough or mature enough to date, many problems can arise. When couples “break-up”, people who are immature, or imbalanced have a difficult time accepting such rejection. Often times they will follow a predictable pattern of manipulation (doing things to get their way), such as:

1) Continuing the unwanted contact (a million phone calls,text messages,calls
to your friends, etc.)

2) Angry accusations, insults, etc.
a. This includes placing insulting comments and ads
on “Myspace”, “Facebook”, “Craigslist”, etc.

3) Threats of self-harm (i.e. “I’ll kill myself if I can’t be with you…if you
don’t call me…whatever).
a. To this, I say, he won’t. If he does, that’s his poor choice, not
yours. So you understand, these threats are MANIPULATION.

4) Threats to you. This is where things really change.
a. Do not let yourself deal with this one alone.

Someone who makes threats toward himself is a sick person. Someone who makes threats to you is someone who needs to be dealt with. TELL YOUR PARENTS. Depending on the person, this can either be an immature temper tantrum, or it can be a very serious situation. This is NOT something to try and handle alone.

“There’s a lesson in real-life stalking cases that young women can benefit from learning: Persistence only proves persistence – it does not prove love. The fact that a romantic pursuer is relentless doesn’t mean you are special – it means he is troubled. We have to teach our young people that NO is a complete sentence.” - Gavin De Becker (The Gift of Fear).

“Do not negotiate. If you tell someone ten times that you don’t want to talk to him, you ARE talking to him – nine times more than you wanted to.” - Gavin De Becker (The Gift of Fear).

If a boyfriend puts you down, or hits you…he will ALWAYS put you down and hit you. He will not change, and you do not deserve to be his punching bag while he “tries”.

In closing, here are a few resources to seek in dealing with dysfunctional relationships:

Catalyst http://www.catalystdvservices.org/

Catalyst: Chico Administrative Office & Drop-In Center
330 Wall Street, Suite 50
Chico, California 95928
530-343-7711

Catalyst domestic violence referral phone number: 895-8476 or 1-800-895-8476

Gavin De Becker and Associates https://www.gavindebecker.com/home.cfm


*Victims of domestic violence should seek professional help, including Law Enforcement and Catalyst services.

** Catalyst is a service where women can learn to break out of their victimhood. Other services are available to men to help break the cycle of violence.

***Disclaimer: The author is expressing opinions based on years of dealing with the enforcement side of domestic violence. The author makes no claim to accuracy in the information provided. The information in this article is not exhaustive, and efforts should be made by the reader to seek further information through professional services, such as Catalyst if they have further questions.